Listening with More Empathy

When I first began my training to become a hospital chaplain, I thought I would be providing a lot of scriptural wisdom to patients, sharing the Gospel with them, and praying with them.  Although I do often pray with patients, I’ve learned that the foundation of my compassion ministry is not talking, but listening.  I have learned that empathy is about giving the gift of true, engaged listening.

So how might we express empathy through engaged listening?  First off, we need to listen for emotions, not just the words. When we ask questions, it’s better to rein in our own curiosity and instead ask questions that will help the other person process. Rather than ask yes/no questions, we should try to ask open-ended questions that start with “why?” or “how?” rather than “when?” or “where?”  Try making statements, like:  “I hear you are feeling sad about _______,” or “It sounds like you’re angry that _______.”  If we are wrong about their sadness or anger, in most cases, people will correct us out of a desire to be understood.  This helps others know they are being heard at an emotional level, not just at a content level. These types of statements are better than asking something like, “How do you feel?”  Second, pay attention to body language and tone of voice.  These two things often reveal a lot about how others truly think and feel, so it is prudent to factor them in when spending time face-to-face with others.  Third, be okay with silence.  If they are not talking, that is fine.  We do not have to say anything. As the author of Ecclesiastes says, there is “a time for everything.” If someone is not talking, typically they will talk when they need to say the next thing.

Empathy means making it all about the other person. Try not to say: “Oh, my girlfriend broke up with me too!” Instead, focus on them. Be careful to not look at your watch or your cell phone—give them your undivided attention as much as possible.  Try to be fully in the moment.  Strive to not give unsolicited advice. This seems like a no-brainer, yet we can easily jump into fix-it mode. Sometimes empathy means holding back on using Scripture.  Asking permission to use words from the Bible is being respectful to the other person because sometimes they just want to talk and have someone listen.  

Jesus did that.  Got sent His Son to us, into this messy world.  Even the Twelve Disciples messed up at times, yet Christ saw their potential.   Christ saw the potential of the Samaritan woman at the well.  We can do the same towards others and ourselves as “there is no condemnation for those in Christ.”  For non-Christians, often they have the perception that Christians are judgmental.  By listening well, we break this stereotype and make them curious about why we are different.   In my view, this is a subtle, but real, form of evangelism.  Hopefully, they will come to a point in their lives when they ask us “for the hope that lies within.”   Yet, all we are doing is following Jesus’ example of compassion.

 How do we become a better demonstrator of empathy with others?  First off, extend grace to ourselves.  It is hard work to be “truly present” for another and push our egos aside.  After a conversation, we can try to evaluate what we did well and what we could do to improve.  Sometimes journaling can be an effective way to do this.  We do not have to always feel victorious about every conversation and think that everything went great from an empathy point of view. Thankfully, we can ask God to help us get better at showing empathy.  It is a process, an “art”, and practice makes us better.  We should keep reminding ourselves that rather than having “all the answers”, it is better to listen well—especially when the person talking is struggling with a situation.

Empathetic listening gives us the chance to “comfort others with the comfort that we have received.”

Five titles relating to empathy and helping others:

1. Being There:  How to Love Those Who are Hurting.

   Dave Furman, 2016.  Crossway.  The author, a pastor, writes out of his own experience of needing care on a daily basis.

2. What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say:  In Times of Grief, Heartache, and Crisis.

   H. Norman Wright, 2014. Harvest House. Written by a seminary professor and therapist, this book is sensitive and practical.

3. The Art of Helping:  What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting.

   Lauren Littauer Briggs. 2003. Cook Communications.  This long-time caregiver shares a number of gems for helping others.

4. Listening and Caring Skills:  A Guide for Leaders.

   John Savage. 1996, Abington Press.  This book is a treasure for learning effective listening skills.

5. The Wounded Healer:  Ministry in Contemporary Society.

   Henri Nouwen. 1972, Random House. From the Netherlands originally, Nouwen left a teaching position at Yale University to spend the final years of his life teaching and ministering to the mentally and physically disabled.